41 years. That's how long I have been alive. And in those 41 years I have struggled with my weight ever since I can remember. Growing up we ate healthy, and we played outside. We never went out to eat or had store bought treats in the house. No sugar cereals, not much soda, chips or candies. For some reason though, I still had food issues. From a young age I can remember eating secretly and overindulging for no real reason other than I could. Two very specific instances come to mind...one where I got into trouble for eating way too much spaghetti sauce before dinner by dipping bread in the pot and "tasting" it over and over. The other instance I remember is eating one of the cupcakes that had been made for my older sister's classmates. Not only did I eat it, but I hid the cupcake paper inside a carton of milk in the garbage and then lied to my parents about eating it! I was found out and punished, and I certainly deserved it. What I can't seem to figure out is why I did things like that. I have wonderful parents who love me, I had a very stable childhood. I was a good student and had friends. I never had any traumatic experiences or major medical issues. Yet, from the time I started Kindergarten I was chubby and I did get picked on at school for my size. I wanted to be active and play sports, specifically basketball, in elementary school, but our family couldn't afford health insurance, so I was not allowed to play a school sport.
As I got older, into my early teens, I was still a "big girl". I had good friends, mostly from my church youth group, but I was certainly not popular in school. Boys didn't like me, even though I had the biggest boobs in 7th grade. I didn't have money and I didn't have any social status in our small town. By the time we had insurance I was in junior high and I was too big and too self conscious to play basketball. Back then, the shorts were REALLY short so I didn't play sports and I was a "Jesus Freak", so it wasn't just my weight that made me unpopular, but it certainly didn't help. I don't have any memories of being told I was pretty or my parents giving me compliments of any kind, but I also don't have any memories of them putting me down either. The only family members that said hurtful things to me were my older sister and one of my grandmothers. My sister was forever pointing out my size and made a point of telling other people that she was wearing jeans that I had "grown out of". Because my middle name was Sue, she would use a pig call to call me "Suueeee, pig, pig pig". My grandmother was a bit more subtle. She just made it clear that she didn't approve of me and would tell me that I would be pretty if I lost weight. She even went so far as to promise me big ticket items if I lost weight. Once it was braces, another time it was a new wardrobe and better yet, a trip to Disney. While one would think those things would have been motivating, they only brought me down because I knew that I wasn't good enough for her love the way I was.
Was I sad sometimes, yes. Did I want to have a boyfriend and be popular, yes, of course I did. Was my whole life a tragedy, not at all. So why did I turn to food to comfort me in those bad time? I don't know why and I still don't understand my connection with food, but I have always eaten my emotions. When I'm happy, I eat, when I'm sad, I eat, when I'm angry, I eat...any kind of celebration is centered around food. The first thing I think about when I get up in the morning is what I am going to eat. I have always eaten a lot and eaten it fast.
I don't remember ever really dieting as a child or even as a teen. I'm sure I did, but I don't really remember being told to diet or trying any specific program when I was young. The first time I remember really trying to change my body image was the summer before I went to college. My older sister and I got memberships to the local gym and I worked out all summer, when I wasn't working full-time. I did lose some weight before I left for school, but I started college in the fall of 1990 much larger then most of the girls there. While I was faced with many of the same issues I had in high school, not having money or nice clothes, not playing sports, I went away to school and made a lot of great friends and had an absolute blast! Many of my friends were guys, and I was always the friend, even though I thought I had feelings for any guy that paid me any attention. I didn't have any experience dating, but I was a pro at having crushes. No body wanted me though. Looking back now, I think that was more due to my own lack of confidence then it was my size and it's probably just as well that I wasn't any more comfortable with my body image.
